beneath those shadows...

Friday, February 10, 2006

i hate myself..
i reprimand everyone for doing that yet i went to do it..
i hate myself..
i blame everyone yet i went ahead to do it..
upon seeing ling's eyes..
i saw disappointment, anger and sadness within those tears in her eyes..
she said that whatever she hear from other people she will choose not to believe
but if it is from me, she will believe..
she didn't want to believe what Lynn said..
she asked me what have i done...
i told her nothing..
i said umpteen's of nothing but she didn't believe..
she could see that i wasn't right..
she could see that i was trying very hard to suppress them..
those emotional with laugh and craziness...
she held my wrist...
no matter how much i struggle, she didn't let go..
i beg down and ask her not to force them out of me...
i didn't want to fall into that state...
i didn't want to cry..
i didn't want to face it...
but after much persuasions and her look made me gave away...
i told her the truth and broke down and cry...
she hug me and say that everything will be alrite once i cry it all out...
she and lynn will be here with me...
she told me to let all the suppression that has been within me these few months..
she said that it was fine to let them all out...
i hate to show my emotion but i couldn't control..
shamine, espall and jia ying was shocked but my sudden out burst..
i broke down on the floor and started crying...
lynn and ling helped me into the toilet..
i wanted to let it all out..
but i told them to stop...
i didn't want to think about it...
i hated myself..
i didn't want to go on crying..
i chose to bury them deep down in my heart...
i guess ling could see it..
they made me promise them that i will never ever repeat that mistake again..
i promised them....
i had already disappoint ling to much..
i didn't want to do it further...
things have reached such a state that i don't ever know what to do...
whatever it should be, let god decide my path...

crystal [searchin] 5:11 AM