beneath those shadows...

Monday, January 30, 2006

flowers!!!!! i love them

valentine tulip

hybrid tea rose

purple rose

purple rose tiara

blue rose tiara

champagne rose

a bouquet of gerbera

impatiens

hydrangeas

carnation

gerbera

one of my favourite but i dont know the name

gerbera

pentas

white champagne rose!!!

a bed of tulip

tulip

zinnia

little sunflowers

hibiscus

tulip

white roses

this is called bleeding heart

sunflowers

crystal [searchin] 6:39 PM

chinese new year

this cny have pretty much turn into a disaster for me..
talked to him on cny eve..
he confessed that he have someone in mind
and tell me that i should love him no more as his heart is with someone else...
i wanted to hear it from him so that i will be able to give up..
when i heard the message,
my heart had shattered into millions pieces...
i had to endure it..
i didnt want him to hear that i was crying..
i didnt want him to know that i love him..
i didnt want him to feel that i was lost or sad without him...
he wanted me to tell him my problems and why have i changed into such a person..
someone whom is so different from what i use to...
my laugher have changed into sadness...
my smiles have changed into frowns..
my world is upside down now...
he asked me who is e bastard that have cause that change in me..
i told him i dont know...
i could tell that he knew it was him..
but i convinced him it wasnt him...
i didnt want to complicate things as he have given his heart to the girl
and has confessed his love for her,
i decided to leave him...
i hope that i can break away from him...
i hope i can do that...
but yesterday i quarreled with danial..
i was so upset...
he was someone i can go to when or where ever i was down..
i actually quarreled with him when he was telling me to forget that fucker that caused so much pain on me...
he scolded me and said what was the purpose for caring so much for someone who doesnt even care...
what is the purpose for being sad..
why am i doing such foolish stuff?
why cant i just fuck care...
he asked...
i was speechless..
the questions left me crying like a idiot...
i want to apologies to him for my foolish acts..
sorry danial...
thank u for being there when i needed u..
thanks..=)

i will try to be like before but i dont think i can ever be...

crystal [searchin] 2:09 AM

Friday, January 27, 2006

todAy was a disaster...
many things had cropped up...
too many things to handle...
when i was in e hall,
i was running around lyk a clown...
from e lion dance members to mei wei, to jin pei, to farhana den finally i stayed there
and i saw him..
he was in front of ming cao...
saw tat he was happy, i became relief...
wanted very much to talk to him but dunno how...
miss him so much.. hai..
jin fai ask me y i initated e break up
i didnt.. i called out for a time out but he say tat time-out will eventually led
to a break up so wad is e difference btw now and later?.
he ask if i will accept him back, i hesitated..
i neva though of this question..
he already have someone in mind..
never will i tink tat he will cone back to me..
i m a loser..
when walkin home, saw him and his frenz
wanted veri much to go there to talk to him
but upon seeing his reaction to my approach,
i decided to leave...
i hate myself
and the things happen...
i m tryin very hard to forget myself and the pain...

crystal [searchin] 2:30 AM

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

questions...

wad can i do?
wad muz i do?
wad should i do?
i cant sms, call or talk to him..
everyday i try my very best to avoid him..
i try not to bang into him...
so tat he will be better off...
but i juz cant help worrying..
tml is his big day..
i cant tell him to take care...
i cant tell him to inform me abt the lastest new..
i cant do anything..
every night, waking up in cold sweat due to nightmares
so afraid of those might happen..
so afraid and tired of those dreams...
wad should i do?
wad can i do?
can someone tell me? pls..
i juz hope tat he is fine...

crystal [searchin] 5:29 AM

Friday, January 20, 2006

was it rain or was it tears?

for e past few days...or rather week...
i have been dam troubled lately..
things have been real bad for me...
standing under the rain,
i wonder if those were rain or tears running down my face...
was it the rain tat made me cry or was it him?
why is he doing this?
this is lyk history repeatin itself...
i hate to go thru this again...
he say tat he is returnin wad others have given him...
he call it pain...
but to me it seem tat he is doing it to get rid of me..
since he has found someone den i will let go...

crystal [searchin] 3:38 AM

Friday, January 13, 2006

beneath those shadows...

As I try very hard to survive each day,
he comes back, after abandoning me, and asks for a second chance...
I was hurt...
I have yet to be recovered but now...
he has asked for a second chance to make things right…

How is he going to do that?
What is he going to do...?
I don’t know...so many questions yet so little answers...
it has been on my mind for days…
many of my brain cells have died...
I have yet to come up with an answer till today...
I finally figure out what I want...
I finally figure out wad I am actually feeling...
I am now able to put them into words...
I am too dependent on this special wall in my life that
I actually forgotten how to survive without it...
but one day, it actually left me...
it abandon me at this deserted place...
I fell into a pretty bad state...
I fell quite badly...
I got hurt...
and while I have to learn to depend on my own...
friends like liling, jin pei, yilei and hui xuan beside me supporting me
made my days a little easier...
but nevertheless, I still had to pass through each day
while I m trying to get use to life without it,
it comes running back to me....
asking for a second chance...
I was happy that it came back but....
I was still recovering from fall, the incident, the pain
now... All of a sudden
it say tat it wasn’t at the right state of mind...
it was upset of the stuff I did so it did something very wrong...
hoping tat I could give him a second chance,
it promise me tat he will try to make things right...

He said that it will make it up to me…
many people told me to accept it…
Accept its apologies for leaving...
forgive it for the mistakes it have committed...
I was very touched for the words it said...
but... nevertheless I know that I can’t really return to e past...
I m not able to trust it after that event...
upon this incident, I find tat I have lost e confident and trust of it
I have learn that trusting someone too much is wrong...
I have yet to walk out of the past shadows in my life...
How can I trust it when I don’t even trust myself that I can walk out of these shadows?
I am not even assured that I will be able to be like before...
how can I accept it when there are so many obstacles?
If we rush into getting a relationship now, both parties will end up in sorrows
I need someone tat I like from e bottom of my heart...
I need someone tat actually catches my attention...
someone that like me for who I am...
someone whom I have chemistry with...
someone that I and him is connected through such special feelings
I have yet to know such person
yes... I have actually like it...
But wad happened had killed all e trust in me...
it had killed another me...
i have learnt another lesson...
i have got to know wad I wanted...
but learnt is an issue getting over it is another problem...
after telling ling and pat how i feel,
they supported my decision..
They told me to follow my heart...
I know that many people will condemn me for making tat decision...
telling me to give him a chance after that long wait but...
all these have been broken when those happened
doesnt mean that a person that have loved u for half a year u have gotta accept him..
Den should I accept those tom, dick and Harry tat had loved me for 10yrs??
That is not love...
it called sympathy...
I don’t want to do tat to him...
moreover i m not ready to be in a relationship...
i m afraid of commitments...
and i have been slacking all these years and this is the year i cannot waste because i simply cannot afford to...
so... this my decision...

I hope that this is best for both of us…

crystal [searchin] 7:11 AM

Friday, January 06, 2006

recover password

i finally recovered my password..
all credit is to gone to nilah...
it was her who taught me to check my junk mail...
tat was where i retrieved my password...
recently lotsa things have be going on and on...
hai... dunno wad to...
i have lost e opportunity
wad can i do..
i have to blame myself for tat...
i have to face e consequences...
now i m lyk a livin corpse now.. hai

crystal [searchin] 4:26 AM